Vow!

You are my lover, my bestfriend, my life… i can not wait til we are husband and wife!

 

I have come on so far since my past posts, lots of therapy and time off work has made me re- evaluate my life, personality and sense of wellbeing. I have kept the mask off, struggled through the hard days and my wound feel healed… so much so that we have set a date for our wedding. My choice, my decision, my idea and we are doing it OUR WAY!! Not because we should, not because tradition says so and not because the family do it like this… but because this means so much to both of us that we want it to be all ours and just perfect. Our children fill our wedding party, our choice of venue, band etc are because it is what we like and whoever loves us will support us with our decisions!

BRING ON THE CHALLENGE ❤
 

Cognitive Therapy! 

I have suffered from IBS-severe constipation from a very young age. I remember going for an abdomen X-ray about age 8 and them telling my mother there was a lot of feces. 

Approximately two years ago I was having a difficult time with it. Could be as long as 10 days between biwek movements. I was feeling sick, sweating a lot and had really painful headaches. I had to take time off work. 

I made a doctors appointment and my usual GP was unavailable so it was a locum doctor. She examined me and agreed that I was very constipated. When she realised all the medication I was taking with no success she suggested cognitive therapy. I had no idea what it was. When I realised she meant talking to someone about it I almost lost the plot. I got very irritated when explaining it to my partner… She thinks it’s all in my head, it’s not in my bloody head. Im not going to the toilet, what good is talking going to do??

About a year and a few months after this my boss suggested a counsellor to me and I went out of duty. Not long into our weekly sessions I realise that I did in fact NEED these sessions. They were helping me dispense and deal with problems I have bed. Holding bs k forever 30 year.

It is only now… 7 months into counselling that I realise I have not been constipated for sometime now. Maybe that locum doctor was right… I was holding all that shit in for years! 

Sooo Tired! (Yawn)

I am so tired today, in fact I have been tired for weeks now and it is really starting to get me down. I want to sleep and sleep and then sleep some more. I have dependent children so sleeping is currently out of the question, but at any given opportunity I’m in nod.

I need a real “pick me up”, anyone suggest a magic potion to give me the kick up the backside I need? This is taking over my life! 😦

Yawn!!

Yawn!!

Shingles!

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I visited my GP on Thursday for an update on my long running chest infection and depression issues. On the way home I felt a stingy, itchy feeling on my left side. I pulled up my t shirt and took a look. It looked very red and like a collection of hives. I left it well alone.
I checked it again before bed and in the morning. It looked exactly the same. I had now found an excruciating pain from my left armpit down my rib cage. Not connecting with the rash but very very sore, I could have screamed with the constant pain. I couldn’t understand where it was coming from, I handed knocked it or anything.
Saturday came and both the pain and rash where the same. By Sunday afternoon the rash had started to blister. Only then when looking at it in the bathroom mirror I thought to myself it looked like chicken pox… and the word shingles jumped into my head. I Google’d Shingles and up came a picture of a rash identical to mine. I read the symptoms and was lead to believe that the pain under my arm, the severe headache I had for a full week previously, the tiredness, flu like symptoms and the rash where all coming from shingles.
I didn’t really know anything about it before then.
On Monday morning I visited my doctors surgery and it was confirmed that yes, as thought I have shingles.
The doctor says she wasn’t surprised as the often come on when someone is physically and emotionally run down, I know I am both. Another problem to add to my list.
She prescribed anti virus tablets 5 times a day for 7 days. Pain killers for the pain and plenty of rest. “Rest” this made me laugh out loud. The rash then began to sting like someone was rubbing a cactus against your side!
It is now Wednesday evening. The rash is scabbed over. The pain in my side is gone….but… I now have pain in my fingers on the opposite side and a real itch all over my abdomen except on the rash.
It is slowly driving me crazy.

A Real Day Off!!

Have you ever just wanted a complete day off?

A day where you just lay in bed beside your partner and snuggle up. Sleep a such as you want, wake up, cuddle, maybe eat, use the toilet and get back into bed?
I am pinning for a day like this today… I love my children so so much and they are my absolute world, I am just so tired.  I have had a headache for most of a week now and I can feel myself getting grumpy.
Just for one day to be able yo lock the door, and sleep for as long as you want… yawn!!!
Am I the only parent who feels this way?? X

Never Underestimate Depression

Depression never goes away until it is completely dealt with. It can wreck and ruin your life, your personality, thoughts, feelings, relationships, work life, family life and much more. Yes you can put on a mask and try to fool the world, but in the end that’s just leaving something to fester inside. Let it out, deal with it, ask the relevant questions to the relevant people. It is the only way to enjoy the rest of your life. 

Mental Health issues are on the rise. People are under much more pressure and strain these days. From work to home, to juggling work with home. 

I’m am currently in the midst of dealing with my issues. I have good days and bad days, good hours and bad hours, but hopefully in the end I will be better from this dabilitating illness that has affected so many parts of me and stages of my life. 

Please God in heaven give me the strength I need to get past this stage and enjoy the rest of my life! 

Parenting A Three Year Old!

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Parenting a three year old is always lots of fun

you never know whats coming next or who she will become

Todays she was a mermaid, a six year old and me,

yesterday a fairy and then a bumble bee.

Im her best friend today, how long will that last

I could be jilted any second, its happened in the past.

She changes her mind often from clothes she likes, to food

this also works with people, and it is not always good.

You think you have made plans and a babysitter in place,

she decides otherwise and the sitter is bared no grace.

She will let them know, with no hidden words,

how much she does not like them on no uncertain terms.

She is the boss without a doubt, even when i say no,

she somehow works it out!

She is very clever and, very cute and sweet

as long as she is getting what she wants, and needs.

We cuddle up together and have a little nap

soon she will be too big to sit on mummy’s lap.

I love her very much and wish this stage would last,

but i must enjoy it now because they grow up way too fast!

Granny

Short, white haired and the character of a jack Russell pup… That was my grandmother. You wouldn’t dare to cross her.

Loyal, family orientated and always understanding, that too was my grandmother!

I love her and miss her every single day!

She is the one who I aimed to please, she had a contagious laugh and a smile that lit up a room. She was a hard working country woman who cooked on a range, cleaned single handed and tended to anyone and everyone who came into her home. She would cut peats with the men, heat their socks in the morning, have dinner on the table when the came home and she never complained about any of it.

She had standards… A job should be done right, she was very independent being if she should ask a favour and you say you will do it… Then you must. She had no time for snobs or as she referred yo them as sickeners!

She would walk miles and chat or wave to everyone she met.

She was my rock, my dependable, my role model and now she is an angel in the house of God!

I love you granny, always have and always will. You may be gone three years, but I think about you often and always fondly! X

The Letter I Will Never Send!

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Dear Mother,
I doubt that you will ever understand how I feel, or want to for that matter.
Because of you I was a worrying, nervous, paranoid wreck with no self worth or confidence. I carried a mask every day of my life and pretended everything was fine. Only my nearest and dearest know how sick you made me!
The lack of love, affection, attention and nurturing had made me a very insecure person. I had nothing good to say about myself.
Thankfully after months of therapy, many many tears, lots of sleep and conversations with not only my loved ones but with myself I am glad to say you have not wrecked ALL of my life.
I have defied you, I have four amazing children who are loved, cherished and adored… and they know it! Each one of them has confidence in their own abilities and recognises the importance of looking after themselves physically and mentally. I done that… as a mother that is my duty and delight. I choose to bring these children into this world and its up to me to grow them into strong individuals.
I have a loving, caring, attentive partner who loves me unconditionally. This is something I never had before meeting him, everything I ever recieved in my life prior was under your rules and conditions only!
I have 5 supportive siblings who are thankful that they have me in their life as a maternal role. They ask me for advice, check up on me if I am unwell, support me through tough times and they know that I respect and love each and every one of them. They depend on me… I used to resent you for that… now I am grateful that I have them and they have me.
I am on the way to becoming a strong, confident, independent woman. I am an amazing mother and very proud of this, but in addition I am a person who deserves to be loved, who deserves to be cared for, who deserves to be treated with respect…. This all I now receive from my partner, children, siblings, friends and work colleagues.
I would like to take this opportunity at this stage of my life to say thank you… Thank you for the lack of nurturing, it made me want to nurture every child alive. Thank you for never listening to me or respecting my opinion, it made me a great listener, mother, partner and friend. It has also given me the skill to acknowledge that everyone has different opinions and that’s ok. Thank you for not telling me I was beautiful and special, it has made me aware of how important this is to someone, I tell each of my children this on a daily basis, also it has made me really appreciate when someone tells me now. Thank you for not making me feel loved, it has made me a person who openly tells her loved ones that the are loved, no matter what the circumstances. Thank you for rejecting me, it made my grandparents look out for me more and with that I got to share part of my life with two amazing people who I will love, respect and miss for the rest of my life. Thank you for making me witness domestic violence, it made me dam sure no one would ever treat me like that, and if they did… they wouldn’t get a chance to do it again.
I wish you every happiness in your life, I hope you too can become a strong, independent, loving, caring, nurturing woman with unconditional love to share… I promise you would achieve more with it.

Kind regards

T